There are a lot of advantages to choosing a known donor when you're an aspiring gay mom.
For starters, your child will have the opportunity to know their biological parent if that’s something you want. Additionally, selecting someone you know means easier access to important health information. Many people also find that working with a known donor is not only more cost-effective but also brings a personal touch that's missing with fertility clinics.
Despite the clear upsides of choosing a known donor, there’s one big challenge: how to broach the subject with a potential candidate. This article will help you feel confident asking someone to be your sperm donor.
Create a List of Potential Donors
Before sending emails or scheduling coffee meet-ups to ask the big question, create a list of potential donors. Don't stress too much about perfecting your choices at this stage — it's just a first draft. To kickstart your brainstorming, think about friends, distant relatives, siblings' friends, or coworkers.
If you need help refining your options, consider things like:
Physical appearance:
It’s okay to have preferences about appearance, so think about what height, skin color, and eye color appeal most to you. Additionally, you might want to choose someone who resembles your partner, so your baby looks like both of you.
Personality:
While personality is a complex mix of nature and nurture, there's nothing wrong with looking for a donor with traits you admire or hope to foster in your child.
Interests:
Though not an exact science, picking a donor whose interests you'd like your child to share can be a consideration.
Education level:
Education doesn't necessarily equate to intelligence but choosing a donor who values learning could be a plus.
Medical history:
You'll go deeper into health specifics later but prioritize potential donors who appear to be in good overall health.
Trustworthiness:
This is perhaps the most crucial trait in a donor. Given the high stakes, you want someone trustworthy who follows through on their commitments.
Your relationship:
This won’t apply as much for acquaintances, but if you're considering a friend, think about how donating might affect your relationship. Can you handle potential awkwardness if they decline? Alternatively, are you prepared for difficult conversations if they agree?
Who not to ask
While many factors contribute to making someone a good donor candidate, certain criteria can be automatic disqualifiers. Here are a few to consider:
Age limits:
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine suggests donors be between 21 and 34 for optimal sperm quality and child health outcomes. This is a recommendation, so you don’t have to adhere to it perfectly. However, you should avoid donors over 45 as they may carry increased risks for conditions like autism.
Financial stability:
Your donor should make their decision freely, not out of fear of financial repercussions.
Mental health:
Donating sperm is a big decision. Your potential donor should be mentally sound and capable of fully grasping the implications of their choice.
Genetic distance:
Make sure the donor and recipient aren't closely related to minimize genetic disease risks.
STD status:
While not all sexually transmitted diseases rule out donation, donors with conditions like HIV, hepatitis B and C, HTLV, and some forms of herpes should be ruled out.
What to Do If They Say Yes
Once you've received a "yes" from your chosen donor, the real work begins. Next, you’ll need to work out the details of your arrangement.
Here are some questions to consider:
How long do you think this process will take?
Will the donor be part of the child's life? If yes, how?
When and how will you tell the child about their donor?
How might this affect your future relationships?
These are just a few examples, so check out this full list of questions to ask potential donors.
A crucial part of this process is gathering detailed health information. This should cover the donor’s general health, any genetic conditions in their family, and their sexual history.
You might be able to navigate these conversations together, but attending a few counseling sessions to talk about your expectations can also be helpful.
If your donor has a partner, it's important to include them in these discussions too. Even though they won't be directly involved, it affects them as well, so their opinion matters. You might also consider talking with the donor's family members to explain the arrangement.
Lastly, it's a good idea to get legal advice. Even if you and your donor are close friends, unexpected things can happen. It's smart to protect yourselves just in case.
Usually, this means having a lawyer draft a known donor agreement. You can customize it to suit your needs, but it should cover topics such as the donor's relationship with the child, any financial considerations, and what to do if something unexpected happens to the parents.
What to Do If They Say No
Let's be honest - hearing "no" isn't fun, but it's a possibility you should be ready for. It's all part of the process, so try not to take it personally.
With that said, if someone says no, it's okay to feel disappointed. Give yourself time to process your feelings. When you're ready, move on to the next person on your list. That’s why it's good to have a few potential donors in mind.
Remember, a "no" from one person doesn't mean you won't find the right donor. The right person is out there, and you'll find them when the time is right.