Choosing a known sperm donor is a huge milestone for aspiring queer moms. As you explore potential candidates, think about which qualities matter most to you.
For some, this might mean selecting a donor who resembles their partner, while others may prioritize an athletic donor to inspire their child's future sporty pursuits.
This guide will help you evaluate the factors that define your ideal donor and identify those who may not be the best fit.
Making the Initial List
Creating an initial list of potential candidates is a great starting point when looking for the right known donor. Consider people from your close and extended circles, such as your partner’s brother, a cousin, a close friend, or even a coworker.
Remember, this is just a brainstorming session, so don’t stress about making the perfect list. Your goal at this stage is to generate options that reflect the qualities you value. You’ll refine this list later, so jot down anyone who comes to mind, even if they seem like a long shot.
Narrowing Down Donor Options
Once you’ve identified several potential candidates, it’s time to narrow down your options. Reflect on the qualities that align with your vision for your family, considering physical appearance and deeper characteristics like personality and hobbies.
Below are some considerations to guide your selection.
Physical Appearance:
It’s perfectly natural to have physical preferences, so don’t feel guilty for wanting your donor to look a certain way. You might also consider choosing someone who resembles the non-gestational partner, so your child resembles both parents.
Personality:
While personality is shaped by genetics and environment, choosing a donor with traits you admire can boost the chances that your child will have similar qualities.
Interests and Hobbies:
While it’s not an exact science, choosing a donor with interests and hobbies similar to yours might inspire your child to explore those passions as well. This can create opportunities for shared experiences and strengthen family bonds.
Education Level:
Education doesn’t always equal intelligence but selecting a donor who values learning and personal growth can be beneficial. This could positively shape your child's view on education and foster a love for lifelong learning.
Cultural Background:
Consider how a donor's cultural background could shape your family story. Choosing someone who shares the non-gestational parent's heritage can help your child connect with both sides of their family history and culture.
Medical History:
Before donating, a potential donor should undergo a thorough medical exam, including blood and semen analysis. However, you don’t need all of that information right away. For now, concentrate on identifying potential donors who lead a healthy lifestyle — those who eat well, exercise regularly, and avoid harmful habits such as smoking or drugs.
Trustworthiness:
Look for someone honest who will respect your privacy. This choice matters a lot, so you want someone you can count on.
Impact on Your Relationship:
This is particularly important if you're thinking about asking a friend or family member to be your donor. Take some time to consider how this decision could impact your relationship. Are you ready for any awkwardness if they say no? On the other hand, can you handle tough conversations if they agree to donate?
Who Not to Ask
Finding the right sperm donor involves many factors, but some qualities can automatically rule someone out. Here are a few reasons to consider removing someone from your list:
Age Limits:
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine suggests that sperm donors be between 21 and 34 years old for the best sperm quality. While this is more of a guideline than a rule, it’s wise to steer clear of donors over 45, as they may have a higher risk of genetic conditions.
Financial Stability:
Your donor should choose to donate freely, not because they feel pressured by financial needs. Ensuring that they’re financially stable not only eliminates ethical considerations but also improves the emotional well-being of everyone involved.
Mental Health:
Donating sperm is a big commitment that requires a clear understanding of the implications. For that reason, a potential donor must be mentally stable and fully aware of the long-term effects of their choice.
Genetic Distance:
To reduce the risk of genetic diseases, make sure the donor and the gestational parent aren’t closely related.
STD Status:
Not all sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) automatically disqualify someone from being a donor, but it’s important to exclude donors with serious conditions. Donors who have HIV, hepatitis B and C, HTLV, or certain types of herpes should be ruled out to protect the health and safety of both the child and the gestational parent.