It’s no secret that choosing to become a parent is a major life decision. But for LGBTQ+ moms, the decision to have a child can be a bit more complex. Whether you’re a mother who has always known you’ve wanted little babes, or you’re still trying to decide if it’s right for you, it’s perfectly okay to sit with yourself and see how you feel about raising kiddos — and see if it’s right for you.
According to The Williams Institute at UCLA, an estimated 37% of LGBT-identified adults have had a child at some time in their lives. Of the LGBT-identified adults aged under 50, almost half of LGBT folks who identified as women are raising a child aged under 18. So, if you’re thinking you may want children as a queer person, you’re certainly not alone.
But first, it’s important to take the time to figure out your (and if you’ve got one, your partner’s) readiness for parenthood. You might be thinking: But how do I do that? It’s a big question, but luckily, it’s not an impossible one.
To figure out if parenting is the right path for you, we’ve narrowed down five key points to consider before deciding to jump on a fertility journey or seek out pregnancy options, below.
Try to understand your motivations for motherhood
What makes you want to be an LGBTQ+ mother? Are you feeling pressure from societal expectations of what you ‘should’ do next, or do you genuinely get giddy when you think about parenthood? Neither is wrong — but it’s key to know the answer before you can truly know if being a mxm is right for you.
“It is important to have a deep understanding of why you want to have a child and to be confident in your decision,” Dr. Jennifer C. Pizer, a Law and Policy Director at Lambda Legal, a national organization committed to achieving full recognition of the civil rights of LGBT people says, “Having a strong sense of purpose and commitment to your child will help you navigate the challenges that may arise along the way.”
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Assess your support system
What kind of support do you have currently? Maybe you’re surrounded by a group of LGBTQ+ chosen family, or you have super close friends, or your biological family supports you every step of the way. Whatever support system you have, consider it when you’re considering your journey to parenthood as a queer person.
According to Dr. Ellen Kahn, the Senior Director of Programs and Partnerships at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, having a robust support system is essential always, but it can be especially impactful for gay moms, too.
“Parenting can be isolating at times, so having a network of friends, family members, and community organizations that understand and support your journey is invaluable,” Dr. Kahn explains.
Think about your financial capability
What’s next? Finances. While money can be a hard topic for a lot of folks — and understandably so — when considering parenting, it’s got to be thought of. After all, raising children comes with so many expenses, including childcare, education, healthcare, and more.
“Parenting is a significant financial commitment, so it is essential to evaluate your financial stability and make a plan for how you will meet your child’s needs,” Dr. Pizer tells Gay Moms Club, “Creating a budget, saving for the future, and exploring financial assistance programs can help alleviate the financial stress that often comes with parenting.”
So, if you’re on the fence, or already thinking you may lean toward mom life, think about what that financially means.
Consider legal challenges
Here is some hard truth: lesbian or LGBTQ+ moms may face unique legal challenges when it comes to parenting — from adoption, parental rights, and even custody issues that could arise down the line — so while it may be hard to think of, it’s so important to consider it.
It’s not just about your legal rights, either, but your children, too. Being informed and proactive about your legal rights as a parent can help protect your family, Dr. Khan adds and can ensure that your child’s best interests are always prioritized.
If you know you want to be a mother, though, we hope you don’t let the hardness of legality stop you from following the life path that would make you the happiest.
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Get professional guidance if you’re unsure
Still unsure? That’s so normal. But if you feel alone, try seeking out some professional guidance. If you’re worried about the cost, there are also a lot of low-cost or free options out there for folks, so you can get the help you need.
“Therapy, counseling, and support groups can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, fears, and aspirations about becoming a parent,” Dr. Pizer reminds us. “Professional guidance can help you gain clarity, confidence, and resilience in your decision-making process.”